B-Movie Abstracts by C. Relkbi, aka Rebecca Nakaba

Role of Visible, UVA, UVB, and IR radiation in Aggressive Creature Encounters

23 September 20XX

Abstract

It is a well documented behavior that many organisms (heretofore: creatures, historically “monsters”) present in major box office habitats (MGM, Universal, Paramount, ARC, etc.) have an extreme aversion to light in the visible spectrum (390 to 700 nm) and often themselves utilize light for defense or aggression in UVA/UVB (< 390nm) or IR (>700nm) wavelengths. Humans documented to be involved with said creatures are often noted to possess a flashlight, largely at night or in shaded environments—where, because of the lack of visible light, creatures preferentially inhabit and humans preferentially illuminate. Ideally, this would create equilibrium for violent human-creature interaction: close contact with a creature’s own UVA/UVB/IR radiation can be debilitating to many human functions, but the average flashlight emits a continuum of light in the visible range, providing adequate repellant of a creature. Therefore, human and creature may exploit one another’s weakness in uncontrolled environments and situations, keeping “the balance of nature” in check.

Why, then, do many humans rarely succeed at repelling the creature? This paper seeks to answer this question and to suggest improvements to the flashlight for human use in defense against aggressive creature encounters. We will first examine the comparative strength of the visible radiation of the flashlight to the strength of documented creature-emitted UVA/UVB/IR radiation. The efficacy of the laser, whose light is monochromatic and coherent as opposed to the flashlight’s incoherent continuum, will be examined against a smaller subset of relevant creature-emitted radiation data. Lastly, a new model of flashlight created from the results of this paper (see Tables 3.1, 3.2, and Figure 5) is proposed, and the benefits of its papier-mache body woven of continuum-spectrum LED nano-fibers is discussed. Future experiments involving tube length, casing shape, and shock absorption are discussed in the Conclusion section.

Correlation Between Chest Albedo and Frequency of Female-Creature Interaction

by C. Relkbi

3 October 20XX

Abstract

While the average movie set is habitat to a variety of B-movie “monsters”, each with its own unique behavior and drive, it has been noted first by Corman et al. (1991) and more recently by Birch et al. (2004) that, regardless of habitat, genotype and phenotype, creatures are preferentially drawn to exposed females. Additionally, creatures that are otherwise solitary are observed to disregard their “usual” behavior in pursuit of the exposed female—analogous to the moth that flies into the flame. This paper seeks to provide a scientific analysis of the phenomena in response to the highly philosophical, sociological, and psychological implications that have surfaced over the past ten years in critical creature discourse.

The common factor across the over two hundred data points synthesized was albedo as it pertains to the female’s exposed chest. Albedo was calculated using several skin-reflectance parameters from the Harvard MERL/ETH database. The area of reflectance was determined using the classical anatomical definition of “bosom”, and pixel sampling was performed with an n-Rooks algorithm. We conclude that a strong correlation (graphs 6.7, 6.8, 6.9) between magnitude of albedo and frequency of creature-(female) human interaction exists. While it is outside the scope of this paper to postulate the causality behind this correlation, several theories are proposed in a subsection of Conclusions, including the potentially hypnotic effect of the highlighted female bosom as referenced in scientific and popular literature for the duration of the Anthropocene.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: A significant constraint of the dataset used is the inescapable problem of film observation as opposed to direct sampling. Archival footage can only provide information relating to sight and sound, while more nuanced variables such as smell, touch, and chemical analysis must be inferred. However, given uniform high occurrence of creature preference for exposed females across a spectrum of female interaction, it can be concluded that individual-specific elements such as pheromone production and gland activity are insignificant (Methods 1.3). It can be assumed within an acceptable margin of error that the phenomena is ocular. For details on the control sample of covered female chests, see Methods 1.4.

C. Relkbi is a scientist studying the genotypical and phenomenological characteristics of B-movie creatures. Her research focuses on human-creature interactions. She has published numerous papers in a variety of journals.

Rebecca Nakaba is a writer and multi-media artist studying the genotypical and phenomenological characteristics of humans and nature. Her research focuses on human-creature interactions. She has published in places.